People Pleasing: Can Toxic Shame Cause Someone To Please Others?
If one is into self-development, they may have heard about how important it is for them to live their own life and not to please other people. As if they were to do what they can to please others, it is going to stop them from being able to fulfil their own needs.
Therefore, instead of their life being a reflection of their true-self, it will end up being a reflection of their false-self. And this false-self will be made up of who other people want them to be and who they think they want them to be.
One is then going to have their own life to lead, but it won’t be possible for them to truly live their own life. It will be similar to someone getting into another person’s car even though they have their own car.
And this is not going to be something that happens on the odd occasion, it will be something that always takes place. As a result of this, one will have to go wherever this person wants to go.
It is then not going to matter if they are around people or if they go out into the world, as they are not going to be able to live their own life. In general, their true-self is not going to be able to see the light of day.
If one is aware of this, this is naturally going to cause them to experience a lot of pain. Yet, if one is in a position where they are more or less completely focused on other people, this pain could be kept at bay.
In this case, one could believe that it is their duty to please other people, and there is then going to be no reason for them to change their behaviour. Through having this outlook, if they were to get annoyed about what is taking place, they could soon disconnect from how they feel.
How they feel could be seen as being caused by something else, and this will stop them from understanding what is going on. So if they were to end up feeling depressed, for instance, it could be seen as being caused by their genetics.
What will also play a part here is that one is likely to receive approval from other people, and this will have a positive effect on them. If they focus on how these people respond to them, it will stop them from having to face their true feelings.
And as these people are responding in this way, it can be seen as a sign that they are on the right track. As if they were doing the wrong thing, then these people wouldn’t behave in the same way.
It’s Always There
One could then find that they generally feel good and, out of nowhere, they end up feeling down. This is likely to be a sign that their true-self is trying to get through to them, and this part of them is not simply going to disappear.
And as this part of them is going to spend a lot time being pushed out of their awareness, it is not going to be a surprise if they end up feeling overwhelmed when this part of them tries to speak to them. All the energy they have used to keep this part of them at bay will be what gives it the power to come to the surface.
Life Goes On
It is not uncommon for mental and emotional pain to be seen as something that needs to be removed as opposed to understood, and this can stop one from taking a step back. Another thing that one could do if their emotional state starts to change is to see what they can do to please someone.
What this means is that one will be trying to change how they feel through engaging in the same behaviour that is causing them to feel as they do. But even if one was to get in touch with their own needs, they might not feel comfortable with them.
Thus, even though pleasing others is going to stop them from being able to live their own life, it can be what feels safe. If they were to longer behave in this way, they could believe that other people would reject and abandon them.
At a deeper level, they can feel worthless, and pleasing others can be a way for them to stop other people from realising this. If their true-self was to appear, they would end up being isolated from others.
What this will show is that pleasing other people is going to be seen as a matter of survival, and not something that one can just let go of. As far as they are concerned, they are only going to have two options.
And pleasing others is clearly going to be better than being cut-off from the rest of humanity. However, even though one has this outlook, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with who they are.
A Deeper Look
The reason they see themselves in this way can be due to what took place during their early years. This may have been a time when they were abused and/or neglected, and they wouldn’t have received the kind of care that they needed to develop.
Through being treated in this way, they would have experienced toxic shame, and this would have caused them to believe that they were inherently flawed. This would have been something that permeated their whole being.
Fortunately, this doesn’t reflect one’s true nature, and this is why they can change their life. So if one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they might need to reach out for the support of a therapist.